9. Face Feelings First

In our formal education, we were trained to deal with thoughts, facts, and ideas; we were not trained to deal with feelings and emotions. It is true that we need to face the facts in a certain situation. But we need to face the feelings of the people involved before we get to the facts. If feelings are ignored, it aggravates the problems in relationship.

In a creative relationship, the other person’s feelings are accepted and acknowledged. You listen to his/her feelings, and then clarify it to him/her. When you clarify it back, the partner understands that you care enough to listen to his/her feelings. It is not enough to say

I understand!

But you need to say

I understand that you feel hurt about what I have done!

Your partner may have erected an emotional wall against you. You should not make a judgment about that. All you have to do is to let your partner know that you are open to accept and listen.

When you listen, listen to the emotions first, then the facts; not the other way. It is like opening a pressure cooker. You have to release the steam first before you get to the food. Once the pressure of the feelings are released, you can safely get to the facts.

When your partner is in a mood to attack you, your automatic reaction will be to attack back or to flee from there. When your partner gets angry at you, you will have a struggle within you about how to respond. You have these choices:

²You can get angry back.

²You can somehow avoid the situation.

²You can explain why your partner is not justified in being angry.

²You remain calm and acknowledge to the partner that he/she feels angry at you.

Of these, only the last is productive. The other responses either do not do anything or even worsen the problem. It takes a lot of self-control to stand there non-violently accepting and acknowledging the partner’s emotions.

We tend to express what seems true to us instead of letting the partner work out his/her own problem. We need to trust that this person has the ability to solve his/her own problem. All we need to do is to listen to his/her feelings, and clarify it back. Then he/she will find the strength to solve his/her problem. Here is an example of how you may respond to your partner.

Your Partner	You
I don’t know what to do about my job.	You sound concerned about your work.
Management is reducing the number of employees	You are wondering if you might be affected
Yes, three people in my unit have already left	It seems it is getting too close for comfort
I wonder if I am next	You feel you might lose your job?
Yes, and there is not much available in my line	I hear you saying you don’t have much hope in finding something else.

 His/her feelings need to be expressed fully before he/she can think of alternatives.

You may make suggestions such as:

²What if you do this …. ?

²Or that …..

²Or something else ….?

A statement such as the following should be avoided:

²I will tell you exactly you need to do.

²You should start looking for another job right away.   

This tends to make the person feel he is not capable of solving his own problems, and produces a lack of confidence in his own ability when other problems arise.