The very first step in creating healthy relationships is an unconditional acceptance. First of all, I have to accept myself as I am with all my feelings and strengths and weaknesses. I need to free myself from prejudices, judgments, and unrealistic expectations. Once I make myself free, I will have a possibility to develop further to my potential. Let us see this in more detail.
Imagine you buy a large crate of oranges. You tear off the crate’s top and reach your hand into the oranges. To your dismay, what you pull out is a rotten one.
What would you do? Will you throw out the whole crate? Or, only toss away the one rotten orange and save all the rest for future pleasure? I am sure you would choose the latter. To do otherwise would be foolish. After all, “One rotten orange doesn't spoil the whole bunch.”
However, we often do not do the same with regard to ourselves. We tend to damn the whole selves rather than the rotten things we do. This accounts for more human unhappiness. A woman concluded that, because she failed at her marriage, she was a failure. An over-sized young lady thought that she only had worth if her body was perfectly attractive. Deep down, each of these individuals wanted to be happy. But they made the orange crate mistake-- they judged the whole crate by one orange.
Think of yourself as the crate and all your actions and qualities as the oranges. Your crate – you – contains hundreds or thousands of oranges accumulated over a lifetime. Many of them (your good deeds and virtuous qualities) are ripe and luscious. But, some are bruised, puny, rotten – your mistakes and faults. When you run across a damaged orange, you may dislike it, even act to rid yourself of it but you never – ever – denigrate or damn your whole crate of oranges.
The divorcee needs to think as follows: “It is true I failed in my marriage, but that doesn’t make me a failure.” The oversized lady needs to think as follows: “I want to look healthy, but my body shape is just one part of me, and not the whole of me.”
This is the essence of Unconditional Self-Acceptance. You separate yourself from your actions and qualities-- the crate from the oranges. You accept that, as a human being, you will often perform well, but you will also err at times.
When you practice unconditional self-acceptance, you solidify the ground of happiness under your feet. You realize that you can err without becoming an error, fail without becoming a failure, and act badly without becoming a bad person.
Once you accept yourself unconditionally, you need to accept others unconditionally. See them differently from their actions and qualities.
I have to free the others in my life from my prejudices, judgments, and unrealistic expectations. I have to accept them as they are unconditionally with all their feelings, strengths and weaknesses. I should prevent myself from being a hindrance to their growth.
Once two people accept each other unconditionally, a creative relationship develops between them. If I maintain unrealistic expectations of myself or of others in my life, I will keep relationships unhealthy.
A study was conducted to analyze the areas of conflict within couples in a Mexican context. They interviewed 61 people. It was found that partners usually have a set of expectations that define their relationship. Generally, a partner’s behavior is evaluated according to expectations shaped by time, communication, resources, emotion, body, and preferences. Dissatisfaction and attempts to control the partner’s behavior arise when expectations are not accomplished, leading to conflicts in the couple’s relationship.
Negative & Positive Approach
Let us imagine your partner expresses some of his/her emotions out of context-- in the wrong place/time for the wrong reason. There is a negative way as well as a positive way to approach this situation. While we were growing up as children, the adults around us tried to mold us mostly in this negative way. They pointed out all the mistakes we did.
They made comments such as the following:
² Why can’t you just sit quietly like the other children?
² That is a dumb question!
² You are always so clumsy!
When the adults around you tried to control your feelings and behavior, you expressed yourself in other ways. You felt fear and anger.
It is like blowing a balloon covering it with your hand. Because of the pressure you apply with your hand, the balloon becomes out of proportion. All you need to do is to release the pressure, and the balloon regains its natural and normal shape. This would be the positive way. The negative way is being judgmental. The positive way is to give freedom to feel. It is unconditional acceptance.
Why someone has a certain feeling in a certain situation is the result of many past experiences. An emotion is not something someone deliberately does. It is something that happens to that person.
Let us see some examples of negative and positive approaches.
Negative
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Positive
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Don’t be so emotional!
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I understand your feelings!
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Don’t look so sad!
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You seem depressed today!
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You shouldn’t feel that way!
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I feel the same way!
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I don’t care how you feel!
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I like to hear how you feel about it!
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When your partner does or says something bad or wrong, it is easy to make a judgment. But it is not so easy to evaluate his action to find out what is behind it. When he says something to you, you need to listen not only to the thoughts he conveys, but also to the feelings he expresses.
When someone tells you, “Oh I am fine” you can listen to the feelings from the tone. His feeling might be the exact opposite of what he says.
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