7. Sincere Apology

Knowingly or unknowingly, we hurt or offend people sometimes, which affect relationships. But most of the time, we don’t acknowledge our mistake, and sincerely apologize so that the damage can be repaired.

When we realize that we have done something to hurt someone’s feelings, or something that damages the relationship, our immediate reaction could be shame. I feel shame as I find out that my real behavior does not match with my self-image.  In order to maintain my self-image, I try to deny what I really do. I defend myself and place the blame on others.  Instead of all that, all we need to do is to say, “I am sorry, I was wrong”. If we realize that it is human to err, we wouldn’t feel shame to admit that we did a mistake.

Imagine a situation when Jack gets stuck at work and returns home late. Jack neglected to call Jill, his spouse, even though he has promised many times that he would do so. Jill asks angrily, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call?” Annoyed by Jill’s accusatory tone, Jack replies, “I’m sorry you’re upset, but you’re late sometimes too.” This  defensive response indicates that Jack is not hearing Jill’s feelings. Jack attacks rather than listen.

Or Jack might say, “I’m sorry. I wanted to call you but my phone battery died.” When people are hurting, even a good reason sounds like a lame excuse. They need to be met in their emotional place rather than be responded to from a rational place; they want their feelings heard.

Such defensiveness escalates conflicts. When Jack says, “Yes, I did that, but you do it too,” Jack is  really saying, “I have the right to hurt you because you hurt me.” Such an attitude doesn’t create a climate for healing; it perpetuates a cycle of distance, hurt, and mistrust.

An apology containing the words “if” or “but” is not a real apology. Jack saying “I’m sorry if I hurt you” signals that Jack is not accepting that he did cause the hurt. If someone tells us they feel hurt, it’s best to let that in rather than offer an explanation designed to quickly settle the matter.

Conflicts tend to settle down when the injured person’s feelings are heard and respected. Maybe later, when emotions have cooled, we can explain what happened. Communication works better when we slow down, take a breath, and hear the other person’s feelings.

If Jack says, “I am sorry you feel that way,” it  contains the implied judgment or question: “But you shouldn’t feel that way” or “what’s wrong with you!?” Jack is not taking responsibility for his behavior, or for his part of the problem.

Jack can make the case that it is not his fault. After all, his phone died. But such a response can trigger an endless loop of counter-attacks: “Why didn’t you charge the phone properly? You’re so neglectful!”

A genuine apology means we feel sorry for our behavior (not sorry you feel that way!) and for how our behavior created hurt. In a sincere apology, our  sorry flows from the sorrow we feel about our actions and for the hurt we caused by not acting in a sensitive, attuned, caring way.

Jack may look into Jill’s eyes and say with a sincere tone: “I really hear that I hurt you and I feel sad about that”. He might add, “I blew it by not keeping my phone charged. I’ll do my best to pay more attention to that.” Jill might be more inclined to soften if she hears such a heartfelt apology. And if Jill is not receptive, at least Jack can know he did his best to offer a sincere apology.

We don’t need to beat ourselves up for hurting someone or acting unwisely. As our self-worth grows, we can take responsibility for our actions without being burdened by the toxic shame created by self-blame.

Healing happens as we find the courage to offer a genuine apology, while learning through experience to be more mindful and responsive so that we’re less likely to repeat it.

A sincere apology requires strength and humility.  It also requires that we recognize and heal the deep-seated shame that can trigger an angry, reactive response.

When it threatens our self-worth to notice the shame that gets triggered inside us, may we tap into the “fight” part of the “fight, flight, freeze” response. We resort to angry protests to protect ourselves from a painful sense of shame. This prevents us from listening openly to another’s feelings.

Apologies cannot be forced. The demand, “You owe me an apology” is not a good setup to garner a genuine apology. And be aware that people may feel hurt based more on their history than anything you’ve done wrong. There may be times when you really didn’t do anything wrong.

Still, listening to a person’s feelings in a respectful and sensitive manner is a good starting place for repairing ruptured trust and sorting things out.

If someone is upset with you, take a deep breath to help you self-regulate, stay connected with your body (rather than dissociate). Then listen to the person’s feeling--noticing how you feel as you let in what they're saying. Taking responsibility for even a small part of the matter — and offering a genuine apology — may go a long way toward repairing trust and renewing connection.

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