5. Power Struggle

Bertrand Russell, the great English philosopher, argued that power is the fundamental stuff of human relationships in the same way energy is to physics. Whether we like it or not, power is at the heart of all our relationships. It is impossible for you to have a meaningful relationship with someone without having some power over that person, and he or she must also have some power over you. However, the power of both of you have to stay in balance, for if one exerts too much power, the other one will be left with very little power. For your relationships to survive, a balance must be found. 

A power struggle in a marriage is a battle for control where one spouse runs the show. There are times, sadly, when a power struggle deteriorates into abuse which can be of a physical, mental, emotional or spiritual nature. At times, a spouse might not even be fully aware that he or she is being abused.

We often hear of domestic violence, which is a real problem in many marriages. But there is also emotional and verbal violence, which is exhibited by men and women. If your spouse is constantly exerting control over you, controlling your life, behavior, choices and actions, which can be anything from telling you what you can or cannot wear to which people you may or may not have as friends, and where you may or may not go, then it is abuse. If your spouse monitors your actions, track where you go, and invade your privacy, then this is abuse. If  your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and needs are dismissed or diminished as unimportant or irrelevant, it is abuse. If you are made fun of, put down, mocked, ridiculed or threatened, it is abuse. If you are made to feel insignificant, helpless, ugly, unworthy, stupid, unlovable or weak, it is abuse.

This kind of treatment should not be tolerated from anyone, and especially from your spouse. You may need professional help to free yourself from this life-diminishing, and possibly life-threatening, environment. Do not make the mistake of thinking that this will take care of itself on its own or that your spouse is going to magically change into the prince or princess you have been longing for. 

When confronting power struggles it is easy to either give-in and be swallowed up in the other person’s power, or give-up altogether and call the marriage quits because you will not subject yourself to their relational tyranny.

Deeply held beliefs spawn power struggles. For example, the notion that a man has authority over his wife and she is to be blindly obedient and subservient to his power; this creates power struggles. Another example is of the modern woman who is her own person and does whatever she pleases demanding respect in the process simply because she is a woman and who conveys very little respect or use for her husband.

Unless you are able to deal with a power struggle in a healthy and productive way, the marriage will crumble and fall apart leading to a loveless marriage or divorce. It is likely that counseling will be necessary, though, especially when the beliefs are deep-seated and have been held for a long time.

The only way to resolve a power struggle is by acknowledging that a marriage consists of two distinct individuals who have their own set of thoughts, beliefs, needs, feelings and values that are equally important, valuable and essential. And as such, each spouse makes the commitment to not silence the other, or take advantage of the other.

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