4. Management of Conflict

A misconception about conflict is that it only occurs between individuals. But conflict can occur within oneself, which is more difficult to identify and resolve. Before attempting to resolve conflict with another person, you need to make sure you do not have internal conflict.

Internal Conflict

Imagine you have a goal to become a musician and you need to buy a guitar, but you are not saving your money for it. You are spending your money on dining out and entertainment. In this case your behavior is not in line with your goal. This creates internal conflict that can produce negative feelings. Just realizing the issue may give you enough insight and motivation to resolve the conflict.

This is just one example of an internal conflict. Guilt feelings, anxiety, inability to respond to life situations appropriately -- all these can cause internal conflict.

Becoming more aware of your own personal beliefs, goals, and values can prevent future internal conflict. Once the internal conflicts are resolved, you may turn to the external ones.

Imagine the very first day you go to work. You meet your boss. You know nothing else about your boss except that he is your boss. You already have a certain feeling about an authority figure, which gets reflected in your behavior. How did this feeling develop in you? From your previous experience of an authority figure-- your parent or your teacher. You transfer to your boss the same feeling you had to your parent or teacher.

When you as a child stood before your father or mother, you were small with very little knowledge, and you had to submit to their authority. They made you obey them against your will. You were punished for disobedience. The same thing happened with your teachers at your school. You developed the feelings of fear and anger to them. Much later, when you meet your boss at your workplace, immediately the same feelings of fear and anger surface in your mind.

Imagine that you had admired someone as a child. Later in life when you come across someone who looks like this person, immediately you transfer the admiration to the new person. This is how the human mind works. It makes our reactions automatic to save time and energy.  

If we gain an understanding of how our mind works, we gain better awareness, which helps us to approach each other with openness rather than with automatic negative feelings and prejudices.

Each time a judgment arises in our mind, it is better to hold it there and make an evaluation of it. We need to make an attempt to find out the basis of the judgment. If we discover that it is a transferred judgment from your childhood or from another similar context, we should eliminate it right away.

External Conflict

Conflict with others comes from differences in beliefs, expectations, goals, values, and behaviors. Just think of all the conflicts created by these differences in a marriage. For example, one person wants to save for a house, while the other may want to have fun while they are young. One person values gifts from the other; the other person expects kind words.

A conflict may be resolved by compromise or Collaboration. Each will be useful in different situations. Considerations include time constraints, number of people involved, relationships of parties involved, and differences of the people involved.

Compromise, the simpler of the two conflict resolution tools, is commonly promoted as the best way to get along and improve relationships. In simple terms it means at least two parties giving up something in order to get something in return. It is a meeting-halfway strategy for settling disputes.

Collaboration takes a progressive approach to resolution. It views differences as strengths, includes all parties involved, values delaying quick decisions, demands all parties to be 100% satisfied. Division of labor is a great example of collaboration. We depend on specialized people to be “different” for the sake of efficiency. We especially find these differences developing in families. One person is good at keeping the house clean and managing money, and another is good at making money and maintaining the family vehicle. These are strengths that make our interactions with others opportunities to create something together that is not possible alone. Collaboration utilizes differences in skills, and is powered by unity in beliefs, values, and goals by creating something larger than the sum. For this reason it is a good idea to be married to someone who has similar values (i.e. religious, political, monetary) but who has a different skill set. The team will be unstoppable at achieving their similar goals, holding up their similar values, and practicing their similar beliefs in efficient ways.

For this reason collaboration should be used for those who have similar goals. Compromise should be used for those without the connection of similar beliefs, values, and goals. In either case communication will need to occur to find out where the conflict is.

We need to stop viewing conflict as a road block and start viewing it as an opportunity, just as we might view suffering as an opportunity to help others. This change in goal from one of winning or giving up to one of learning and growing relationships gives new perspective allowing healthy conflict management.

Steps to effectively managing conflicts in your life:

1. Check yourself. Make sure you are not the problem or that you are not taking your own issues out on another person.

2. Learn effective communication. learning to communicate effectively will help you prevent conflict with others. An example is the use of "I" focused statements instead of "YOU" statements that can be interpreted as blaming and offensive.

3. Ask Questions. Before talking, ask questions so that you understand the other person.

4. List possible solutions. This should be done with those involved in the conflict. Do not limit yourself to obvious answers. Try not to vote.

5. Collaborate. Allow all involved to give input and select the best solution that satisfies everyone. Try not to vote because voting can cause alienation. Compromise if necessary, usually when goals and values differ too much. 

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