3. Conflicts in Relationships

The Basic Cause of Conflicts

All people have basic needs. Some of these are biological (food, shelter, clothing), while others are psychological. Some of these relate to personal growth and development (identity, autonomy, recognition). Needs are not negotiable and cannot be compromised. They are inherent drives for survival and development.

Human rights belong to each person on the basis of his or her inherent dignity as a human being. They belong to all people solely by virtue of their being human, irrespective of nationality, race, color, social status, gender, age, political beliefs, wealth, or any other differentiating characteristic. The human rights are based on the basic human needs, and they correspond directly to certain human needs. For example, ‘the right to freely participate in the cultural life of the community’ relate to the needs of identity, recognition, participation, respect, and community. The right to an adequate standard of living relates to the needs of food, water, shelter, etc.; while the right to life covers all needs.

When the basic needs are not met, a deep sense of frustration results, coupled with a strong drive towards meeting the need. The basic human needs cannot be suppressed because of their fundamental importance for survival and development. People will continue to pursue them, even if they might lose their lives. A denial of basic human needs/rights results in a conflict. Not only a denial, but also a suspicion of such a denial can cause conflict.

In a family or in the work place, people have an unwritten agreement among themselves that they do only what enhance their common well-being, and one would not do anything that denies the basic needs/rights of a partner. They will be like the organs of a body supporting each other. Any deviation from this agreement will cause a conflict.  

Our Response to Conflicts

When people face a dangerous situation, they normally respond either with a flight or a fight. There are times when it is necessary to flee (e.g. when you are attacked by a gang) or to fight (when your life is threatened, and you can’t flee).

But in a conflict in our everyday life, which does not pose immediate danger, we respond either by ignoring it or by facing it. Ignoring the conflict will not solve the conflict. Although it gives a temporary relief, it resurfaces with more power. So we need to find out how to face it effectively so that it can be successfully resolved.

    

An Example of a Conflict

A teacher is trying to teach difficult concepts to her class at the end of a school day. She has a headache and feels very tired. A student, who feels bored, starts talking to her friend .

The flight response: The teacher storms out of the class, goes to the staff room, takes a headache  pill and sits down to wait for the end of the day. He  has avoided a confrontation with the student.  

The fight response: The teacher shouts at the student: “You are a disobedient and useless child. You will fail this subject and get nowhere in life. Get out of my classroom!”  

The Ignore response: The teacher ignores what the student does. The student continues to talk, and more students join her. No one listens to the teacher.

Facing Response: The teacher tells the student exactly how he feels without avoiding the problem, but also without attacking, blaming or insulting the student. He may, for example, say: “Look, I have a headache and I am very tired. When I see you talking while I am trying to explain these difficult concepts to you I feel deeply irritated. I feel as if you are not respecting me. Can you help me to understand why you are doing this?” 

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