14. Children’s Conflicts

Parents, teachers, and school staff often hear complaints from children such as “He took my …”, “She won’t let me play,” “Mat’s being mean!” Children usually respond to a conflict by arguing and by physical aggression. They also back off and avoid one another.

Children seek the help of adults when they can’t manage a conflict by themselves. In such a situation, an adult has two options: either to resolve it for them, or to teach them how to resolve such a conflict in similar situations. By learning to manage a conflict effectively, children’s skills for getting along with others can be improved. Children are much happier, have better friendships and are better learners at school when they know how to manage a conflict well. When adults impose a solution on children it may solve the conflict temporarily, but it can leave children feeling that their wishes have not been taken into account. Coaching children through the conflict resolution steps helps them feel involved. It shows them how effective conflict resolution can work so that they can start to build their own skills.

Many adults have wrong approaches to a conflict. Some see a conflict as abnormal and evil. They pass on this approach to children who feel guilty for being in a conflict, and they try to avoid a conflict at any cost. Some adults see a conflict as a competition that decides a winner and a loser. They pass on this approach to children, and it promotes a win-lose behavior in them. A child who wants to win dominates the other, and a child who thinks he can’t win try to avoid the conflict. Children who win this way may develop a pattern of dominating and bullying others to get what they want. Children who lose this way may grow without confidence and an assertive behavior. They are more likely to be dominated or bullied by others.

Children need to learn to see conflict as an opportunity to build healthier and more respectful relationships through understanding the perspectives of others.

One positive way for children to deal with conflict is by compromising. Compromising means that no-one wins or loses. Each person gets some of what they want and also gives up some of what they want. Many children learn how to compromise as they grow and find ways to negotiate friendships. Children may also use a win-win approach, which is finding out more about the problem and looking together for creative solutions so that everyone can get what they want.

Wertheim, E., Love, A., Peck, C. & Littlefield, L suggest in a study of theirs that it would be better and easier to relate these different approaches to various animals as follows:

Conflict style	Animal example	Child’s Behavior
Force	Shark, bull, lion	Argues, yells, debates, threatens, uses logic to impose own view.
Give in	Jelly fish, teddy bear	Prevents fights, tries to make others happy.
Avoid	Ostrich, turtle	Thinks or says: “I don’t want conflict.” Distracts, talks about something else, leaves the room or the relationship.
Compromise	Fox	I give a bit and expect you to give a bit too.
Both Win	Owl	Discover ways of helping everyone in the conflict to get what they want.

Such effective handling of conflicts requires children to apply a combination of well-developed social and emotional skills, which  include skills for managing feelings, understanding others, communicating effectively and making decisions.
Let us imagine a scenario in which there is a conflict of two children. They can’t resolve it by themselves, and so they approach you.

To begin with, you make it clear that you are going to listen to each other’s point of view and look for ways to solve the problem that both can agree to.

You ask: “What’s the problem here?”

One child says: “He won’t let me have a turn”

Other child says: “I only just started and it’s my game,”

You say: I’m sure if we talk this through we’ll be able to sort it out so that everyone is happy.” 

Now you help children identify and communicate their needs and concerns without judging or blaming. 

You ask, “What do you want or need? What are you most concerned about?”

(Both of them respond)

Help the children listen to each other’s feelings and needs. Listening to the other person helps to reduce the conflict and allows children to think of the problem as something they can solve together. 

You ask, “So you want to have a turn at this game now because it’s nearly time to go home? And you want to keep playing to see if you can get to the next level?” 

Show children that you understand both points of view.

You say: “I can understand why you want to get your turn. I can see why you don’t want to stop now.”

Now get them to think of creative ways for solving the conflict by encouraging them to come up with new solutions that no-one thought of before. Ask them to let the ideas flow and think of as many options as they can, without judging any of them. 

You say: “Let’s think of at least three things we could do to solve this problem.”

Now help them to analyze the various solutions they come up with. Encourage them to choose the best or a combination of various solutions if they prefer.

You ask: Which solution do you think can work? Which option can we make work together?

Finally, it is time to make sure that children understand what they have agreed to and what this means in practice.

You say: “Okay, so this is what we’ve agreed. Jim, you’re going to show Wendy how to play the game, then Mat, you’re going to have a try, and I’m going to let you know when 15 minutes is up.”

Back to Contents