13. Parent-Teen Conflict

Teenage is a period of great conflict within and with others, especially with parents.

"There's no point in talking to you: you don't understand me. You don't even know me."

Such words from a teen makes the parents hurt and outraged. The parents are the ones who knew them since they were born, and how can they say they don’t know them?  

An affectionate and sweet child suddenly turns an alien monster as adolescence begins. Parents often wonder if there is anything wrong with themselves for their children to treat them so. A mother complains that her fifteen year old son gives off hate rays as she steps into his room. Another mother complains that her daughter guards herself with porcupine-like spines that bristle whenever she  get near her.

Researches uncover dramatic brain development during adolescence. The frontal lobes that expand during the early adolescence and then gradually shrinks back gives and explanation of teen behavior, particularly of their impulsiveness. Another explanation is the raging hormones. Although the brain development and raging hormones play a role in teen behavior, the real cause turbulence seems to be the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.

A sense of who we are is not a luxury; we need it to stay alive. Without an answer to this crucial question, we feel worthlessness, and our life is meaningless. A teen eagerly looks for role models. Often they look upon peers as models: "I don't know who I am, but I know who he is, so I'll be like him," is the underlying thought. They look for the vividness and clarity in others that they themselves do not feel within.

During adolescence, a child transforms to become an adult. The teen is eager to establish his/her identity as an adult, and expects the parents  to acknowledge it, though the parents are slow to make this acknowledgment. In a teen’s arguments with parents, the real focus is on a parent's acknowledgement of his maturity and capability and human value. "No, you can't go out tonight,"  implies that a parent doesn't trust him to make his own decisions. And, in a teen's eyes, that's not only unfair; it's humiliating. Even minor exchanges can trigger major reactions. A parent asks a checking-up question, and the teen feels like a little child again. Simple questions like "Have you got your keys?" and, "Do you have enough money for the bus?" are perceived with the implication, "You're not able to look after yourself" or “You are still a child”. For a teen, who struggles to feel like an adult, such apparently minor questions brings him/her back to the childhood. 

Teens often reject the embraces and endearments from the parents that were once a part of life during childhood. A parent may interpret this as a rejection of their relationship, but for a teen, it is an expression of his inward struggle as he tries to expel the previous child-self.

Teens usually get so heated in arguments with parents to make them see that they are not the child they think they know. They want to shake a parent into an awareness of the new and exciting person they are becoming. They expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know. In the emotional exposure of quarrels with parents, teens clarify and demand recognition for the new person they see themselves to be. 

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