12. Parent-Child Conflict

Parents want their children to grow up to become happy, healthy adults. As soon as a woman realizes that she is carrying a child within her she immediately becomes concerned about the well being of the child. This worry, concern and desire of the parents for the safety and survival of their children continues forever. Parents strive to keep their children safe, secure and alive. Understanding that parents have this desire for safety, security and survival of their children explains half of the conflict between parent and child.

Children enter the world with no worries or concern for their safety and survival. They enter the world itching to explore, driven to discover and investigate everything. They want to put everything in their mouths, touch everything, jump on it, roll in it, shove it up their noses, and see what happens when they push that button. In fact, many adults spend much of their time with children asking them not to touch that, not to do jump on this or not to eat the dirty something.

Here is the source of the conflict between parent and child. Parents want to hold their child close to protect them and keep them safe, and children want to break free of their parents hold, going out into the world to discover, explore and learn. Each is pulling the other in the opposite direction.

The art of successful parenting is honoring children's need for freedom and exploration while teaching them to be safe. After all, parents want their children to develop the ability to survive and thrive without their parents. This means you want your child to safely and responsibly handle ever increasing freedom. How? By slowly increasing the freedom you give your child while you teach him how to handle the additional freedom.

In practice this means that parents

²replace the unacceptable toy their toddler has chosen with the one that is safe and acceptable.

²teach their child to hold their hand as they walk through a parking lot together.

²give a time-limit when their teen visits a friend's home after school.

²negotiate a curfew when their teen goes out on the weekend.

Your job as a parent is to teach your children to satisfy their need for freedom while you satisfy your need of keeping your children safe. This is the process that helps parents and children handle their inherent conflict.

 So the next time you get into a verbal tussle with your teenager who wants permission to attend a concert that you are worried about, or your nine-year old wants to go to the mall with her friends without any adult supervision, or you toddler wants to wander further afield than you feel comfortable allowing, take a moment to remember the inherent conflict between you and your child. Can you to teach your child how to handle a little more freedom safely? Can you stretch the limit of what feels safe and comfortable for you? Take a chance of granting a little more freedom for your child so that she can stretch her wings and learn to be safe with more freedom.

Diana Baumrind (1966) identified three different styles of parental discipline: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.

1. Authoritarian discipline is a kind of dictatorship. The parent’s word is the law, and requires no further justification. “You must do this because I say so.”

2. Permissive parenting is at the other extreme. The parent becomes the child's consultant as to which rules to follow. In this context, parental punishment is seen as inappropriate, since the child is an equal arbiter in matters of acceptable behavior.

3. In authoritative parenting, the parent sets out the rules and explains the reasons for these principle-based rules.

The first two do not provide a framework for self-control and self-direction. Authoritarian parents control only in the here and now, by issuing specific orders. “Do this because I say so” is devoid of principles and reason; away from the power source, a child has no internal guide. Permissive parenting that endorses a child’s views on appropriate behaviour is similarly ineffective in setting out reasoned principles that can be internalized. Authoritative parenting, however, places rules within a framework a child can understand and use.

Terri Apter (2006) thinks that the way in which the discipline is delivered is of prime importance. Imagine a parent delivering authoritative discipline. The parent explains the rules to the child. But the reasons for rules can be shouted as well as spoken. Shouting is a ferocious exercise of power, however rational the words might be. It is painful, frightening and humiliating. Occasional outbursts are unpleasant but may be effective as a quick form of delivering the message, “I have had enough and will not tolerate this behavior.” But frequent and habitual use of coercion does have a considerable negative impact.

Not only does coercion fail to promote good behavior, it increases the child’s aggression. Angry and humiliated by parental coercion, the child retaliates in kind, and the battle escalates. Then the parent uses coercion to push back; there is more shouting, more dire threats, more pointed criticism. As the relationship becomes infused with irritation, frustration and pain, communication becomes increasingly difficult. In order to be heard above the rumbling battle, everyone has to shout at fever pitch. Shouting, louder and louder each time, becomes the established norm for interaction. The tug and tussle of coercive parenting distorts the overall relationship, whereas responsive concern lends a robust plasticity to this crucial evolving relationship.

When the delivery style involves genuine listening, responsiveness, and a willingness to negotiate (on some things, and on increasing matters as a child matures) then the conceptual framework – which in any case is likely to be a mix – matters less. In many parent/teen pairs, quarrels could be managed, and relations repaired, when each responded to the message contained in the other’s argument, but that quarrels resulted in meltdown when each focused on her own anger and frustration. Since the power of parental love is located in large part in responsiveness, it seems that, after all, there is not such a gap between the impact of love and the impact of discipline.

Ways to Deal with Parent-Child conflict

Ariadne Brill presents this as an example of a conflict between parents and children. 

Child: “Can I have that toy?”
Parent: “Not today.”
Child: “But it’s my favorite kind.”
Parent: “I said NO.”
Child: “Why???”
Parent: “Because I said SO!”
Child: “Ugh, but… I waaaaaaaaaaaaant it!”
Parent: “Please don’t argue.”
Child: “But I REALLY want it.”
Parent: “If you don’t stop arguing, you are not getting any sweets tomorrow at all.”
Child: “Oh YEAH? What’s the difference? I never get what I want.”
Parent: “Okay. That’s it…no sweets tomorrow. It’s time to leave, let’s  go.”
Child: “UGH!!!! I hate you!”

Ariadne suggests many ways to handle such a conflict that are more positive and lead to actual resolutions. 

We need to approach conflicts with the aim to understand, resolve and respond. In the example when the child said that the toy was his favorite, the parent may respond as follows. 

²“uhm…so this toy is your favorite? I hear you. it looks fun to play with.”

²“Do you wish you could have something new every time we go shopping? Because sometimes I wish I could get myself something new all the time too!”

²“I see it seems really important to you.”

Our focus need to be on cooperation instead of control. It is really healthy and helpful in conflict resolution when both sides are able to give input and actually discuss the situation.

²“Alright, what do you propose we do about this?”

²“Tell me what you are thinking and I’ll tell you what I’m thinking, maybe we find a solution”

²“I’d like to tell you my reasons and then listen to yours”

²“We will all have a chance to talk, but let’s take turns so we can really listen to each other.”

Giving choices is particularly helpful with younger children.

²“I hear that you really like the cake and want another piece. And you’ve had a lot already. What time do you want to have the cake tomorrow – morning snack or after lunch?”

²“Which toy do you want to put away first? The truck or the puzzle?”

²“I know you want the blue pants but they are washing. So how about the jeans or the gray ones, you choose!”

Asking open questions is great for older children.

²“why do you think that is?”

²“can you tell me more about your thoughts on that?”

²“what do you propose we do about it?”

²“What about…..?”

We may convert it into a learning opportunity. Children can learn a lot about peaceful conflict resolution by learning how to argue their point of view respectfully. Practicing with mom and dad is the place to start!

²“can you give me 3 solid reasons to support your idea?”

²“can you please explain why this is important to you?”

²“What is your goal in doing____________”

²“I’d like to hear more about your idea, what else can you tell me about this?”

²“These are my 3 reason to say No, can you turn them around with some reasons of your own?”

Reward positive behavior and attitude. Let’s say your child does give you really good reasons? It’s not going to make you look like a fool if you say YES. This isn’t about giving in – it’s demonstrating flexibility.

²“I hear your reasons, I’m impressed that you have thought this through so I will go ahead and say YES this time.”

²“You know what, you have convinced me and I appreciate we all stayed cool about this – so YES!”

Offer a deal or let your children propose a different solution, often times it’s something that is workable. In fact the more chances they have to practice this skill, the easier it becomes.  It’s not the same as giving in or letting them rule the house though. Striking a deal means the solution works for everyone.

²“I can’t agree to the sleep over on Wednesday night but if you can propose a different date we can discuss it.”

²“That way does not work for BUT what other ways can you think of that could work?”

²“If you stop by aunt Marry to wish her a Happy Birthday first, then I think it’s fine for you to go over to Jamie’s house for the rest of the time we are at the party – deal?”

If you’ve started down the conflict path, we may pause and rewind.

²“Arguing is not getting us anywhere. Let’s take a break, think and try again when we are ALL cooled off.”

²“Hey, we are arguing and it’s getting us nowhere! Let’s start over.”

²“ may postpone the discussion. Over time, when we use this strategy, children trust that we will return to the argument and actually resolve it and they learn that they gain more attention by arguing respectfully.

²“I will discuss this when you are able to do so respectfully.”

²“I’d like to talk about this when I time to listen to your reasons. Let’s put this on hold until later when I can really listen to you.”

²“I’ll be happy to discuss this when we can do it respectfully. I will be in the kitchen cooking, come find me when you are ready!”

²“It seems you have a lot to say about this, but this is not the right time/right place, so let’s meet tonight/at home/when we are cooled off to discuss it”

²“I see how much you want this AND instead of deciding right now, let’s talk about it when we get home.”

We may hold family meetings. Set a time aside each week where you can peacefully discuss issues that are in disagreement. This is also a time where everyone can practice making requests respectfully, like asking for a certain meal, asking mom for a ride to friends house, money for a school fundraiser and so on…

There will be times when we will need to set a limit and say no and it can be done in a positive way.

²“I hear your reasons, I understand it’s important AND my answer is No.”

²“I know how much you like this AND today I am saying NO”

²“Cake is delicious, you want more AND tonight is not the time to have anymore.”

²“The toy looks great. We can put it on your wish list, today is NOT the day we will buy it”

²“Sleep overs are great fun, we have agreed that on school nights we will NOT do them.”

²“It’s my job to keep you safe AND my final answer is NO.”

²“I’ve made my decision, I understand it’s not what you had hoped for AND it’s final.”

Support the disappointment: If you’ve set a limit and your child doesn’t like it and responds with crying, whining and yelling – support them in the disappointment.Try to avoid belittling the situation with comments like “oh your idea was ridiculous, there is no way you will sleep over at Johnny’s house on a school night!” and “stop crying already it’s not a big deal” because to your child, it probably is.  Instead try to understand your child may need time to huff and puff and really hate your decision so let them own that feeling and process it. Be near by to support them and trust that they will be able to handle and overcome their feelings. 

Model good conflict resolution with your children. If you and your partner are constantly arguing in negative ways, your child will likely try the same strategy with you, so model positive conflict resolution with others too.

Back to Contents