The primary reason for husband-wife conflict is that the husband is a man and the wife is a woman. There are fundamental differences between man and woman, which are often ignored. Increased awareness of the differences can decrease the conflicts. Women in general are far better than men in expressing feelings.
Our body language, facial expression, and the tone of our conversation say more than the actual words. Research suggests that women are better at being aware of and acting on nonverbal communication than are men. Over 90 percent of our communication is non-verbal. It provides information about the speaker’s mood. A smile means someone is happy while a frown can mean the opposite.
Women talk more about their feelings and concerns while men prefer to speak more impersonal topics. Women speak more hesitantly. They often end with question to gain approval. For example: “It's hot today, isn’t it?” Men are more likely to make direct statements such as “It’s hot today.”
In general, women tend to be more expressive in their talk. Men are more matter of fact and want to make a statement to get something done. This can cause a breakdown in communication between man and woman. Men want to take action while women seek to make sure the other person’s feelings and thoughts have been expressed before taking action. For example, when a woman asks a question, she is often trying to connect with her spouse or partner. The question, “What do you want to do about dinner tonight,” means more than, “What is for dinner.” She may be trying to see if he wants to eat out. Men on the other hand would be more likely to say, “Let’s go to a movie tonight,” being more direct in what they want. A woman hearing this statement may feel that she hasn’t been consulted about the couple’s plans for the evening.
Men need to remember that women often want to connect with the other person when talking, and women need to recognize that men may be more direct. This understanding that men and women in general have different styles of communication can help them better understand one another, and improve their relationship.
Men and women respond to conflict in different ways. Men are more likely than women to withdraw from conflict. They often withdraw, when women try to get them to talk about the problem. Women are more direct than men in addressing the conflict. This is probably because women are more concerned with the emotional aspect of the relationship. Women are also more critical in addressing conflict.
Resolving a conflict requires good communication. You should not expect your spouse to read your mind. Unless and until you communicate clearly to your spouse what is in your mind, he/she will not know it. If we can pinpoint what cause miscommunication, we might be able to have better communication.
1. In order to communicate well, we need to focus on the problem that we need to address. Instead some people try to change the subject without focusing on the problem. Instead of focusing on one problem at a time, some may bring in all of the problems the couple ever had to avoid the original issue.
2. Listening well is the primary requirement of a good communication. Listening more and speaking
less leads to the resolution of a problem. Speaking more without listening aggravates the problem. Interrupting your spouse or partner is one way to tell him/her that you are not listening.
3. I- statements are more positive and less offensive than the You-statements.
Instead of saying,
“You never spend time at home with me,”
say,
“I would like to spend more time with you. I get lonesome when you are gone so much. Can we think of a way to be together more often?”
4. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. For example,
“You sound very upset.”
5. Check to make sure what you heard is what the other person is saying. For example:
“Am I hearing you correctly, that you would like to find a different job?”
The other person then has the chance to clarify if
needed.
6. Be polite and stay cool. If the situation is too
tense, take a break and come back to the issue later.
Be sure to set a specific time when the issue will be
revisited. Allow at least a few hours to pass before revisiting the issue. For example, “I need to think about this, let’s talk about it after dinner.”
7. Look directly at the person to show interest.
Stand or sit at the same level with the person.
Smile or nod your head to show interest.
Try to look relaxed so the other person will relax.
Use a friendly tone of voice.
8. Have a positive attitude when there is conflict. This means avoid:
- Insulting the other person
- Being defensive
- Withdrawing from the conversation
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