10. Love Yourself as you Love Others

Traditionally the ideal relationship is called love. By this word, we usually mean caring for the other person without caring for oneself. But not caring for oneself is a huge mistake. Love is really caring for all selves. “Love others as you love yourself” is the golden rule. Let us watch this conversation between a husband and wife:

H: What would you like for lunch?

W: Whatever you like.

H: I like to know what you enjoy eating.

W: Whatever you enjoy.

H: But what do you prefer?

W: Anything.

H: How about this one?

W: If that is what you would like.

Here one person is sacrificing his/her own likes and preferences for the other person. This is not love.

Imagine this scenario: While a friend of yours is with you, you are making a phone call to a mutual friend. The friend with you tells you to tell the friend on the phone a lie -- that he is out of town. You feel uncomfortable to oblige to this request. You feel that this person is invading your emotional territory. If you surrender to the will of your friend, and tell a lie, you are being unfair to your self. So it would be better to inform your friend that you feel uncomfortable in doing so.

When someone steps to your territory,

²Do not tell him/her what to do

²Do not give him/her advice

²Simply inform him/her what you are and how you are.

Here are some examples:

Avoid	Tell
Don’t drive so fast	Driving this fast bothers me
Don’t you realize it is time to eat?	I am hungry.
When are you going to stop irritating me?	I get irritated when you do that.

  Someone stepping on your territory is like stepping on your feet -- it is painful. If someone does that you have to let him/her know that because otherwise he wouldn’t know that. If not, when he realizes that he was causing you pain, he wouldn’t feel good about it.

Imagine that you are engaged in a phone conversation. You realize that you have an appointment you will miss if you continue the conversation. You can politely let the person know that you have to cut the conversation so that you can keep the appointment.

If you have a disagreement with your partner about his stepping on your territory:

²Let him know your feelings about it

²Inform him your plan of action

²Take appropriate action

Loving ourselves frees us to love others, which makes it easier for others to love us. Love happens when we have freedom from self concerns.  

When a situation is charged with emotion, it should be given preference. Once the emotion-issue is addressed, then we can move on to the real problem. When approaching a problem, we may try various alternative approaches to solve it. We need to ask questions such as: what exactly is the problem? When does it need to be solved? How can it be solved?

Take A Step Back

In spite of all these, a relationship may continue without getting better because:

1. we may not risk seeing ourselves as we are. We often don’t own our anger, fear, desire etc.

2. We may not risk the other person seeing us as we are.

3. We may have to risk a change when the other person do not cooperate in making it better

Imagine your relationship as a see-saw. If both partners understand their power (or are empowered), the see-saw stays relatively level and balanced. But if one person in the relationship has brought in a feeling of powerlessness, he or she may try to compensate by baring down on the see-saw, shifting his or her weight, and perpetually uprooting, destablilizing, ungrounding his or her partner on the other side.

You might be putting pressure on the other person to change. The following statements and questions are typical of putting pressure:

²Why can’t you show some appreciation for my work?

²Why can’t you be more affectionate?

²Don’t my tears mean anything to you?

²You never pay any attention to what I do.

If he doesn’t change, then it is your turn to change. Move back a little bit, which means to stop putting pressure on him. Let him decide what he needs to do. Stop depending on him for your happiness. Be on your own. When you move back, and the other person will feel free of your pressure, your relationship might most probably get back into balance.

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